Old Friends
by SpongeGuy
Summary: Perry and Doof have their usual Christmas Afternoon talk and deal with change. Part of The Milo Murphy's Law Wiki Guy AU.


DING DONG!

The door opens, and an old friend hears an old greeting.

"Perry the Platypus! What an unexpected surprise!"

He then looks at his calendar.

"Oh, wait, you always come today! My bad! You know how it is: Once you get older, you forget important dates!"

Perry chatters, but Doof corrects him.

"Goodness, no! I always remember my anniversary with Charlene! I'm taking about this jar of dates!"

A jar of dates is lifted, dusty and clearly forgotten.

"Sorry, Emanuel: I need to be more doting."

Putting the jar down, two former rivals sat down and smiled warmly at each other.

It had been 12 years, but Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus were still the best of friends.

Doof observed his friend with a sentimental smile.

"So, like every year, Vanessa, Ferb, their family, they're all off on some last minute shopping. I heard that Phineas has some "Last Minute" invention that actually makes shoppers calm down?"

Perry nodded, getting comfortable in the seat, and Doof realized that he had forgotten something.

"Oh, where are my manners? What would you like to drink, Perry? Perhaps my world famous almond brittle moisture tea? Eh?"

Perry pretended to think, but only for Doof's comfort. He always ordered the same thing, but making Doof think there was a chance in hell he'd drink that almond brittle made his friend happy.

One chatter later and Doof was at it with the coffee machine.

"Espresso! Of course! Always on the move!"

Doof pointed a spoon back at Perry as the semi aquatic egg laying mammal of action checked his watch. "You need to learn to relax, man! Take a day off! When was the last time? After the Master, no?"

Perry defensively chattered, almost a little too harshly.

"You're right, it was at Alyson's baby shower, my bad!"

Doof rolled his eyes, knowing he was right, but he wasn't going to argue with his friend.

Today was only going to have spilled coffee and thoughts of the past!

No need to think of changes, and lost friends, and the fact that his family and extended family didn't come to visit as often and he was getting old and soon he'd…

"AAARRGHHH! OW! OW! MY HAND IS HURTING, BECAUSE IT'S BURNING BECAUSE I SPILLEED COFFEE ON IT AND who am I talking to?", Doof asked himself as his hand cooled from a…

"'Ice' rescue, Perry the Platypus!", Doof laughed and Perry rolled his eyes as the ice pack made its magic.

Sitting down, Doof gave Perry his "Fedora's are in like ginsing" mug and quietly sipped from his "Yes, I saved the world, big whoop" mug.

The two allies drank quietly, surrounded only by Doof's newspaper riddled coffee table and a dinky lightbulb that every so often made a buzzing noise.

Perry pointed at tone of the papers after a while, and Doof picked it up to remember the reason for its purchase.

"Let's see… Ah, yes! This was when Isabella came back from service, remember?"

Perry half nodded, but an odd look of unease came on his face.

Doof sighed, remembering the day. "Remember how Phineas was like that day? He had hearts in his eyes! Hearts! Like, is that even physically possible?"

Perry coughed and Doof suddenly grabbed another paper. "And this one is from when Jeremy was touring with his band! One of the glowsticks got into my eye! In fact, it's somewhere here…"

Picking up a glowstick with an eye sticking out, Doof blinked with his bionic eye. "Still getting used to all the kinks. Sometimes it shoots lasers and well, I'm buying a lot of mirrors recently!"

Once more, Perry seemed a little lost.

"Wait, were you there? I can't remember…"

Perry tried to excuse himself to go to the bathroom, but suddenly…

"Oh, and I definitely don't need to tell you about this one!"

In front of Perry was a newspaper clipping from only a month ago, depicting a certain Japanese-American brunette roping up the last members of the Italian Mafia that had nearly killed Perry all those years ago.

Doof's expectant face was however met with an uncertain and avoiding look from Perry.

And Doof actually picked up on it.

"…You ok, my friend?"

Perry had to change the subject quickly, and so he did.

"Oh, how's Vanessa? Oh, she's good! We're all good, really!"

Doof stood up and gesticulated as he looked outside, the sun shining, but also cloudy.

"Like, just quiet days here!"

Doof smiled, but Perry could tell something was off: The former villain's hands shook, and his wrinkles were now more obvious.

His breathing was also slow, as was his speech, which was most peculiar: Doof never slowed down when he was talking, unless he was confused.

Something was up. And Perry wasn't sure if any of them were ready for the drama.

Doof looked out.

There was a sun…

But was it warm?

Was it getting colder?

Was he getting colder?

"Quiet. They don't visit as often. I'm… I'm used to noise."

He turned to Perry.

"I'm used to explosions, and to…", he continued, trailing off a little.

Nostalgia was apparent in his tone, the glory days long gone.

"Remember, that time, when I told you about the gnomes, and you kicked my ass?", Doof reminded, sounding almost too nostalgic for such things.

He continued, his hand shaking, the mug joining in the dance.

"Remember when we fought all those zombie versions of myself, and my daughter showed me that she loved me?"

Doof laughed. "Those were times!"

Doof continued to laugh, but his eyes spelt danger, or, well, fear.

Perry began to squirm in his seat. It was coming.

Doof shook even more as he held on to the mug and looked at its insignia.

"I… I saved the world, remember? Remember when I helped save the entire universe and future from that bastard? Remember?"

Doof's tone was now sharp, sad, frustrated and lost.

Looking at his reflection, he noticed grey hairs.

He bit his lip, as he heard church bells.

Ringing in the new year…

Ringing in the new…

Out with the old…

Ringing and ringing and ringing and bringing in the dead…

The dead…

The old…

The pointless…

His days were numbered…

"…Remember when I had a point?!"

CRASH!

The mug fell and shattered, the shards shining all over and the dust stinging his eyes.

Kneeling down, all he felt was his friends arm on his shoulder.

"…I'm 59 years old, Perry the Platypus. My daughter is living her own life, as she should. My extended family, people who took me in at my weakest, they're saving the world now."

He looked at him with sad eyes, pleading for purpose.

"I was a villain, and I had reasons. I was a hero, and I had reasons."

He grabbed his friend and hugged him, tears dropping.

"What's my purpose now? Who am I?"

Perry comforted his friend, and put him back in his chair as he cleaned up the remains.

He chattered out a question as he mopped the tea away, Doof still massaging his temples.

"No… I don't need… Anything…"

Doof cringed as he thought of what he did. What was he, a baby?

"I'm sorry… I'm ruining our afternoon."

Perry rejected this line of thought.

"…I guess I'm overreacting again."

Doof looked out at the sky again, feeling lost.

"I just… What's my purpose? There's no plan, no operation, no death defying…"

He sighed. "Not even family issues. I just… Exist."

Perry sighed and sat down again, concern apparent in his eyes.

Perry chattered an encouraging line, and Doof looked up and smiled.

"Of course I'm happy that everyone else is happy… I just didn't realize that once all the missions are basically over, that there's no more to being happy than being happy."

Doof sighed again, and decided to switch topics.

"Why don't we start again? How are you doing? How's work?"

Perry, relieved to be changing subjects, chattered nonchalantly.

"Same old, same old, huh?"

Doof then raised an eyebrow and nudged him. "Bet it was more fun with me, though, right? Eh?"

Perry rolled his eyes, but chuckled. It was never as fun than when Doof was out there.

Doof smiled and leaned on his elbow. "At least I still own your favorite arch enemy slot!"

Perry resumed sipping his drink after all this time, but it was not its cold nature that made him choke.

"And how's things with Stacy?"

The coughing went on for some time, but Doof was oblivious.

"She's coming tomorrow, like everyone else is, but first she's enjoying a quiet Christmas Eve back home with her family.", Doof informed casually, grabbing a nearby cracker.

Perry declined the other one that was offered, as he was still a little shaken, and now worried about where this was going.

Doof leant back and continued chatting. "I think they're watching that creepy CGI A Christmas Carol movie? You know Stacy, she loves her horror movies!"

Perry nodded distractedly, wishing that O.W.C.A would suddenly radio in a mission.

"You're going to her, right? Could you tell her that Uncle Doof sends his love?"

Perry didn't answer, but Doof realized something before he could ask anymore incriminating questions.

"Oof, why am I being so lazy? I'll call her instead! Much more personal!"

Doof reached for his phone, but in a quick, lightning move, Perry grabbed it.

Doof, of course, misunderstood. "Oh, you want to call her? Ah, sure! Go ahead!"

Perry face palmed. This was NOT what he wanted at ALL.

But Doof was expectant, and Perry didn't know any graceful way to exit this, so he began dialing.

The phone rang, and rang, and rang, and rang, and Perry wondered (ring) if perhaps he had gotten (ring) lucky and Stacy wasn't going to…

"Hello? Uncle Doof? Is that you?"

Silence reigned, outside of the phone crackle and the occasional chirping of a bird as Doof awaited excitedly for the talk that Perry was not going to give.

A look of longing and hesitation and regret presided on the platypuses face as he held the phone and didn't move a muscle.

"Uncle Doof? Hello? Is this the right number? Who is this? Oh my god, did I call myself? Wait, that makes no sense. And it can't be God, he probably does video calls. But who would just call and say nothing?... …BUGS BUNNY?!"

CLICK!

The call was hung up.

And as Perry's digit moved back with his hand, it revealed a shocked Doof.

Perry sat down, saying nothing, and Doof too was speechless.

For a solid minute, nothing was said.

The uncomfortable silence was only broken by Doof, when he couldn't take it no longer.

"…You're working the late shift again, aren't you?"

No answer.

"You know, she's been asking about you. I…"

Doof looked down.

"I told her that it's probably just you forgetting! You have a…"

Doof was very uneasy. He didn't want to do this.

Perry's fist was balling, his anger rising.

But who was it at?

"I know it's… Not usual for me to be in the right in our friendship, but… But I really think that you should at least tell her you're not coming…"

Perry suddenly shot back a very rude statement.

Full of venom. Full of anger.

Full of regret.

Full of "I was supposed to be better than this."

"…What do I know? I've only been parenting for about 30 years, Perry the Platypus, I think I know when someone isn't taking enough attention of their daughter!", Doof responded, now too angry.

Perry did not take kindly to the "D" word.

"I don't care if you didn't mean to! She's close to you, you know that!"

Doof approached his friend, protesting this behavior.

"She's made it clear multiple times that you mean a lot to her! She invited you to the wedding, to the birthdays, she has literally called you Dad!"

Perry crossed his arms.

"Oh, now you're just being a big baby!"

Doof crossed his arms and turned his back too.

"I know I was being wishy washy before, I know I've got it good, and I'm just being ungrateful."

Doof muttered. "But at least I don't distance myself. Why are you like this? Why can't you just give her what she needs?"

Perry's tortured reply informed that he didn't know how.

"…You could have asked. I would have helped."

A tear dropped.

"I would always help you. You're…"

Doof continued to cry.

"You're my best friend, you fool. In some ways… You're all I've got left."

All was quiet as the two friends breathed slowly and realized…

Perry thought of what a jerk he'd been.

Doof thought of how dumb he was being, regretting happiness.

They turned and…

"I'm sorry", they said (well, one chattered) at the same time.

Doof sat down on the floor and sighed.

"I was being a real jerk. Why am I even sad? I have a loving family who still visit, the world is safe, and I'm… I'm me."

He smiled sadly.

"I should be happy. I guess… I guess I have no purpose. But that's ok."

Perry chattered a retort, encouraging his friend.

Doof laughed softly. "I guess you're right. My purpose IS being happy. I'll try not to make this one explode."

Perry laughed, and then looked down with pain.

"…I know you're better than this. You've always been."

Perry nodded, sadly.

He chattered an… Well, not an excuse, an explanation of sorts.

Doof nodded, understanding. "You've never been for emotions, I know that."

"But you know she loves you. 10 years ago, why…"

Perry didn't let him finish, he didn't need to.

Perry then apologized.

"Don't apologize to me. You'll always be great in my book. It's her you need to talk to."

Perry knew his friend was right.

And he let him know.

"…It's nice to know we can still surprise each other."

The pair laughed and looked at each other fondly.

"I know times are changing… But we'll face them, like we always do."

Doof walked towards Perry and hugged him.

"Together."

Perry hugged back, and then took out the phone.

He had a mission to get to…

Later that evening, at Stacy's house, a 29 year old woman in Smiley Face jammies giggled as she held her action figures of herself and of Dr. Not Sorry and played with them.

"You can't stop me, Agent Stacy Hirano! I am the greatest villain ever, and you are just a little girl, wishing her little Platypus would save her!", Stacy said, imitating the villain.

She ran around the room, pretending her figure could fly as her shiny disco shoes squeaked.

She loved being herself.

Took her long enough, but she did.

"As if, Dr. Not Sorry! My dad and I are totally taking you down!"

A sudden chatter could be heard, and Stacy absent mindedly responded.

"Yes, that's right! I'll use my mini golf powers! Good thinking, Da…"

Stacy then realized who was talking and she dropped the action figures, gasping.

Standing in the doorway was Perry the Platypus and Heinz Doofenshmirtz, the latter waving wildly and the former smiling softly, if sadly.

"…Oh my god! Like, I didn't know you were coming, please, um, let me, oh man, I'm in my jammies!"

Stacy felt shy now, and she looked around. The house was a mess, she was in the skies again, and her perfect spy platypus dad was actually visiting.

She would have cried if it wasn't weird.

But she did once he said "Hi, daughter."

The hug was sweet, and Stacy was grinning from ear to ear once she was finished.

"I… I…"

She blushed.

"I'm a lot more confident, if you want to know."

Perry nodded approvingly.

"I… I don't need you to approve of me."

She then smiled shyly. "But it's nice that you do."

Doof then interjected. "You two catch up! I'll make some tea!"

"Great idea! But make mine a red bull!"

Perry raised an eyebrow and Stacy laughed. "I can take the energy spike! I was always more mellow than Candace, just a little… Weirder."

Stacy then oohed. "OOOH is that a new gadget? Want to see my new treadmill? Oh, and I recently found this Sushi place, it's EXUISITE! At least, I think that's how you say it."

Doof laughed and asked from the kitchen. "And Perry, how about my world famous Almond Brittle moisture tea?"

This time, Perry said yes.

He was up for a new experience.

After all, change wasn't always so bad.


End file.
